From all the things i've lost , i miss my mind the most

It's been a while since I felt those butterflies or saw sparkles in the air. I smell the scent of this lovely spring from one day to another, but I find it very difficult to find a certain one who would make me crazy and clumsy and funny and beautiful.
Every season has a special meaning to me, because for each one I create such a wonderful stories in my mind, for example winter makes everything romantic - I've always imagined coming home after a long day, entering an apartment and sharing a cup of tea with him. Fall always makes me sad, maybe due to heavy raining, anyhow ideal for a big bed, nice music and cuddling. Summer is not really on my list! I like to cover myself as much as possible,and make the outfit attractive by some tinny detail. But I LOVE SUN - BEACH, SEA, SMELL OF OLIVE OIL,GUITAR. However, spring makes all the pain worth! Walking from a place to place, from university to aperitivo, feels like a brand new city to me - MILANO.

Elegant clothes, you want to be seen with her, Under your tweeds you sweat like a teenager"

After a long time, a glass of wine led me to my blog again!Nobody reads it,so its just for me,nothing embarrassing could I find here except my thoughts which I produce from a second to second,mostly boring and yeah....I think too much,so that is why I needed also an online expression of my thoughts!
My roommates are studying :) There is a girl...hmmmm.... a nice girl living with me ;) So,from what I will write now about her,without any previously made decision and it will tell how much I care about her. Ok, so there is a young girl who is already doing her Masters in Marketing, in Milan. She is having a full scholarship and she is doing more than great and it amazes me! It's not only about the intelligence she posses, but the working habits and the fact that she knows what she wants in her life. Of course that it isn't 100% clear as none of knows or wants to make such an important decision about the future....but knowing what you would like to be,going step by step towards your goal I think makes the whole burden of studying and thinking much easier. As I am analyzing people too much, making conclusions from their dirty socks to what they order in a restaurant (which by the way tells more about me than the others), her decisions about life, the important ones are based on a simple theory - you do something,or you don't!There is nothing in between, because you don't have time,you are not supposed to waste it on thinking,at all!!!!Because none of the good answers would come out of it! It is all black and white.But then when she comes home,she would listen to a good song,discover a good band,learn about a good fashion,read an interesting blog and go to sleep. Sounds like a simple person, but she is not!Keeps it all to herself!and moves on,because she is strong and she knows her way!But she also dreams about many things, probably the she is having the same dream that I have for her: working in a music industry,meeting a lot of different people,bringing her heart and soul into it and eventually falling in love and more importantly says it loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yeah,she would fall in love with a guy who is completely simple but his outfit would display something different - like collecting a parts of his clothes.stylish apparels,music on his ipod...and a long road that she would take to get eventually to a simple person he is. So,she is not simple!!!!not at all,otherwise she would look at things from a much simpler perspective.
That brings me to my second roommate who is a very nice guy. One year ago I would say--oh what a funny guy but now I see him better, I know him better and I like what he is!I was always amazed by lazy guys who don't move their ass at all,but when it comes to an importance in their lives they show their strength! That's wonderful,even though I believe that it is the same with everyone else, however, all of us do it differently and none of us know when the strength and right though would come out - life ;)
But life is beautiful!!!!
Today I saw an African guy in the supermarket trying to pay for the groceries in his basket. He limited himself to 15 eur and a beautiful cashier was telling him when to stop,which items to choose and when to stop!I felt so sad, and then this thought in my mind that people actually have 1 dollar per day....made me really sad. At least I know what I would like to do one day...to travel the world,to help someone,to change something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvTFKpIaQhM&feature=related

I’m all ears to gather clues and look for signs....

KINGS OF CONVENIENCE!!!!!What a band and what an honor seeing them live!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCgRk2HDyW8




The concert was a long ago,however it remains in my mind as one of the best I've been to!We had a booze before leaving, so a lot of wine I remember which brought our moods to the MOST WONDERFUL possible state of mind, the one where you don't care about what people around you (the one you don't know) think of you,say or look....nothing is important but the feeling of being completely free and yourself. Alcohol took a major part that night and it led us all to experience the best concert ever. I will post a couple of pics,ones stolen from Google images and some that my rommie took.
Anyway,music is an important part of my life!!!!!I cannot imagine a single day passing without hearing a good song. Its not about filling the air with sound, it's more about the feeling that music brings,a bit of sadness, a bit of hope....but most of all makes me happy!whatever happiness is,it makes me feel alive....FEEELLLL!!!!

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT...

There is this beautiful song by The Smiths, I heard it in the movie 500 days of summer, a part of the soundtrack which is by the way very nice. The movie though was a refreshment for me, after seeing so many love comedies with the happy endings. Was it because I recognized myself in it, or some other reason, who would know...but I liked it. I've seen it at my university in Italian, yeah, couldn't understand much but enough to understand it. The love between two young people, a boring shy guy who falls in love with this incredible brunette, but really falls for her.... and then the story moves on. I guess that it's always like that - both sides look for something different in the relationship!!!!!!!!!After all the attraction and butterflies, it really comes down to simple thing: it takes something more than love. For some people, especially for those who don't analyze too much,
it could be quite simple - you give as much as you can, without thinking, without questioning, you just give yourself away because you believe that this particular person is the one. I've never experienced such thing in my life, I guess the reason is that I am doing everything quite the opposite. I always want more than there is, I want something that I am not actually sure it exists...you know something deeeeeeeep,something strange that would lead me to thinking,wanting and feeling.
There is a visitor in the house tonight, a beautiful guy that I realllllllly liked. So simple, in his own world he sees this planet as something beautiful, he probably never met a person he didn't like,he sees it all....so wonderful! That is one of the things that I liked about him a lot and that I still do...I see him as a small scared boy with such a pure feelings...never met a person like him...honestly never and I am grateful for having a chance to really get to know him,his soul,his fears,his views....his life. I can't say that I love him, cause you remember I said, I don't know what the love is....I really don't know. Probably the difficulty comes into place when you start thinking too much about it! What is love? For somebody it could be just a smile, a hand touch, a poem that reminds, a feeling that appears from time to time...or simply something different and stronger that could not easily be defined.
I think that I learned a lot till now. I thought I was a selfish bitch who just couldn't care and love, but I proved myself wrong. I love being with somebody, mostly in the bed just talking and chilling, maybe because it is a safest place to be - the bed, silence, no people...just 2 souls. So, I am capable of loving and giving and I really think that it's very important. You have to leave a trace, you need to love somebody and care,not just for your own sake of being a good person but for a sake of fighting against the loneliness. Sometimes I just don't like being loved or being told so. I get really depressed and pressurized and I just feel like screaming and saying LET ME BEEEEEEEEE,i WANNA BE ALONE,I AM USED TO IT,THAT IS WHO I AM AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE! But, everybody needs somebody,that's the whole truth.
Since the things didn't really work out between the two of us.... something strange happened, i got trapped in this ugly moment of having only bad memories of him... I don't know why. Maybe I wanted to forget him very fast, just to exclude all the moments of laughter and love...so I can just move on...and that is what scares me....I move on so easily,I deal with people in my own way but not the good way!!!!!!definately not the good way! If somebody hurts me I basically need 3 seconds to delete the memory and feelings, take a deep breathe and movee on!Isn't that scary?Maybe one day there will be somebody that I really need to give a chance to?I got really scared tonight after he told me that I am so strong in that sense and I know it. So, as usual, I got back to my past, for a little bit and tried to relate it to my family. After my parents divorced, I was pissed I remember seeing all kinds of shit. My mom, a beautiful 50-year old women, so strong in her appearance,so beautiful....my best friend and on the other side my dad - a cold strange man with whom I never established a normal mean of communication. I was actually happy after they divorced because it was not a healthy marriage, it was contagious. They had a drinking habits, not being violent EVER, just instead of talking and saying what was on their minds, they would turn to bottle.I remember since my childhood that my dad was drinking! And nobody had to tell me that it's an alcohol,it's bad, I just knew it. Also, once, after a long day at work my mom came home and she was drunk.... I remember talking to my sister...she said something like: Maybe she is on drugs....hahhahaha but I knew it, unfortunately from an early childhood I knew it.
But, apart from all those ugliness, the home where I lived was a happy place to be! It was always so clean, everything freshly cooked, we had Sunday's lunches all the time, my dad was cracking jokes, it was nice. I have a beautiful sister that is pregnant now, the person to whom I turn to for many life-based advises. She has a very strong character, she always did and I think that she planned on developing herself as much as possible,from an early age so she can sit at home today and be a happy married woman. He is a nice guy, funny hard-working,made her happy and sad from time to time, but more important than all,they are happy now!!!!
My brother,the youngest in the family after me is probably one of the best people I know! And I am wondering how in the world did he become what he is today? The purest soul for sure, looking for a justice in all, fighting with his overweight sometimes, but above all being there for all of us when he needed us to. And that is very sweet,the feeling I have now... I started crying already! But it is always like that when I see him,because I know him, I know how he feels, I know what he thinks and I know that he is one of the best persons in my surrounding.
I AM HAPPY! I have a better relationship with my brother than with my sis and I would like to know why?When did it happen that I became closer to my brother? And what is confusing me is the relationship that I am having with my sister. Don't get me wrong, she is great and when I see how many great people love her, it only proves to me that she is an angel. I just think that she uses this cold attitude from time to time, just as a mean of protecting herself like all of us do.
After the divorce, my sister continued moving on and becoming even more successful in her career. Sometimes it's funny for me when I see her behaving and looking like a 20-years old girl that she is actually very successful and a well-respected business person, no matter how funny it sounds but it's true. So, she just decided to work on herself, move on and somehow separate from us - become INDEPENDENT, I think that that was the word I was looking for. She would always find a mistake in everything, but not with a bad intentions, just by trying to help, which sometimes pisses me off. I told her that I am planning on doing masters in Bocconi and she was not very happy about it, she was like: Why do you need it,bla bla.... But of course, If you don;t tell to a person what you find offensive or see as an obstacle in your communication, the problem will not disappear out of a bloom.
Anyway, even though i hate confessing it, I think a lot about my family, I think of my dad (cause we only talk about exams and money related issues), as a lonely person, sitting in his 1 million euros house ALONE! it was his own decision to erase my mom from his life,but still....it's the life that they had for so many years together, even though it was shitty, but it was theirs....! And it's not like they are happy now, both of them have problems and both of them are lonely and I don't want them together again but talking would mean a lot...A therapy... I really think it can help, it leads you to some conclusions! In our dark souls, there are so many things to discover, learn and change. No matter how popular it is today to have your own therapist - fuck it, if you really can't deal with your own problems, or you are unhappy then find one!Don't waste your time by sitting and thinking how desperate your life is, it can be better, EVERYONE CAN BE BETTER IF THEY WOULD TRY, we don't have much time to give to stupid illusions and questions, the change should start now!Each in its own way!Shower and bed. And good night!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INgXzChwipY

Here's to the things that are yet to come and to the memories that we hold!

New Year!2010!Sounds so scary,such a big number that will now be written on every page of my agenda,every day, for one year until it becomes even more scarier.
It's a cliche,but it's true - this is the time of the year when we question the past and when we plan the future. Not everything is up to us, of course, but our actions speak louder than words, shape the future events and make us who we are.
When I was younger, I used to have a thing for NY, festive mood,loaded with positive emotions and true excitement. I couldn't wait to take a shower,put make up,prepare myself for 2 hours in advance and then just go....without questioning how it might be,should I go,who will be there...I didn't care! But, as I am becoming older I am becoming more and more depressed, doubtful,unhappy...Like I want to make myself unhappy and miserable. Before every single going out,I behave like a child, I need someone to push me and tell me that it's gonna be fun, that I am boring young beautiful girl sitting at home....missing the fun....For the last, I think, 3 NYs I had the worst time ever, cause I created it and I made it so. I wasn't satisfied with people,with music,with the way I look so instead of fighting against it or just enjoy that one night in a year to the fullest, I was desperate and bored.Of course, alcohol has that strange ability to shape the mood, of course if you let it take control over you - you are screwed, but depending on your mood,it just adds up a bit of sadness or happiness.But I love it!I love the feeling when it starts relaxing your brain,when your thoughts are just freely floating...and you talk/laugh with your friends.
My generation,'86, drinks a lot!!!!I don;t have a single friend who doesn't drink alcohol!Unfortunately, there are no regulations concerning buying/selling it back home, so it's widely available to anyone who needs it, the same as for the ciggies. 24/7 :)In Italy, you mainly buy it in the supermarkets because it's much cheaper. Wine for example,is not expensive at all.
Today and tomorrow everything is closed. Milan is very lonely now :)No single soul on the street. My temporary roommate is leaving me tomorrow and I will be alone for 2 nights! For the first time,can't wait!
Studying isn't going at all.

Parla con me, parlami di te...

I had a long walk today in the center of Milan. Discounts are not there yet, nevertheless people are shopping like all is for free :)And it's beautiful, crowded and loud!
My first impression of this city, due anni fa, was terrible! I remember calling my mom from the central station, holding my bags, laptop completely disappointed by what I've seen. Of course, at any central station in any modern city in the world it's not the first place to be; besides all the lost tourists, there are a lot of beggars, dirt and it's not safe.
Then I took a cab to my dormitory. Through the window of the cab and a long drive, it all became somehow clearer as I saw beautiful buildings, shops, typical small streets and beautiful people. Then... A SHOCK! My dormitory was located on the last stop of green line of metro... let's say at the edge of the city! Beautiful dorm, but....I've always wanted to live somewhere in the center, even if that would be a small box, a cell as long as it is in the center, as long as I can hear people passing by and laughing - I'm good. I remember I was very sad that day and very lonely so I decided to have a long nap and clear out my head. My classmates started coming, one by one and it all became better, much better.
During those two years, I haven't experienced a lot. I did go out, I did meet Milan a bit but life in the dorm is so much different than living alone. Everybody's there, always something going on, always people around, parties especially with those exchange students but still if you don't enjoy all that you can always go to your room.
I had a best roommate, a best person next to me, also coming from Serbia. It's strange but it happened that we never NEVER had a quarrel.
After those two years, I decided to look for a flat. It was so exhausting, calling from early morning agents, meeting people, seeing the most beautiful but unaffordable places, getting ditched by landlords and finally having the sweetest place in Milan. It' very close to the center, located in a very beautiful and posh area where you can freely walk in any time of the day/night, not being scared which I was while living in the dorm. Location is very important to me! I thought I made it clear till now ;;)
Our landlord is a wonderful let's say 40-years old man living in France, earning for life as a photographer. The rent is a bit expensive, but it's ok. We have a nice coffee shop right next to our buliding, a flower shop right under our window....From September 2009 till now, I think that my love towards this city has increased! There is this thing typical for Milan, called aperitivo where you go to most of the cafes from 6-9, pay around 10 euros, get one drink and eat as much as possible! So many nice places. There is this sushi place called Wasabi, I give it 10 points! One of my favourite places is Obika mozzarella bar. And so many other places....
Nightlife is pretty impressive here and I didn't know that while living in the dorm, so many good concerts, undiscovered bands and talents to hear, nice people to meet.
La casa 139 is a good place to see. I've been there with my friends for the concert of Metronomy, Handsome furs, Port O' Brien...The last band we even had a chance to meet and talk to! I got their signature!!!!!We went on stage, we were singing with them...Oh, what a night! I was out of control that night, Ok I had a few beers but still...Anyway, I should not regret a thing!
Yeah, apart from that many cool clubs and places...but of course without a nice group of ppl it's all not the same!
OK, enough for today!I am going to study a bit and sleep

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces...

The city still sleeps....streets are empty, people are with their families and my home...is empty, but I am enjoying it. Every time that I am feeling down, I put the playlist of Diarios de Motocicleta, one of the nicest movies I've seen, with the wonderful soundtrack.
How important is to have a fiend, a person for whom you know that is always there. It is very rare. I have a lot of friends and I consider myself to be pretty social but also extremely selective when it comes to choosing the people that I want to have in my life. Anyhow, there are 4 people that made a difference in my life and for that and many other reasons, I feel blessed to have them.
So, I am not lonely. But, I am dreaming about meeting someone, being in love and I really don't get it!!! - why does it have to be so hard to fall in love?!I like many people and I have no problems getting them, BUT I want something more, I want that crazy little thing called love! AND I KNOW THAT IT EXISTS!
Last year, I thought I was in love and gave myself completely, being 100% positive that there is no way I would get hurt. And I wasn't but I made the other person miserable because I didn't know what I want and probably I wasn't in love....i was trying too hard knowing that it just wasn't that...it wasn't the person who could push me forward, make me fight for him and love, make me wanting my time to be shared with him....and I got involved I think too much, analyzing emotions, stressing the importance of LOVE that wasn't there, blaming him for not being able to make me fall in love. Oh, how pathetic it sounds! And, what is love for me?! How can I know when I never really experienced it. As I am becoming older, I doubt in its existence...all the movies, books, music, St. Valentine's day, the whole profit-based idea behind it just makes it way too perfect, so I keep questioning am I crazy??? Do my dreams have a potential of becoming real one day?Or it's just me with high criteria and never ending list of wishes & dreams?
Time will tell, but I guess until that day of clarification comes, I have to work on myself, giving my heart and soul for other things.

I don’t know.
We’ve been around the world
in passion, crazy
even,
and we missed each other for a step.

P.S. The second photo belongs to my classmate, a very talented young photographer.