There is this beautiful song by The Smiths, I heard it in the movie 500 days of summer, a part of the soundtrack which is by the way very nice. The movie though was a refreshment for me, after seeing so many love comedies with the happy endings. Was it because I recognized myself in it, or some other reason, who would know...but I liked it. I've seen it at my university in Italian, yeah, couldn't understand much but enough to understand it. The love between two young people, a boring shy guy who falls in love with this incredible brunette, but really falls for her.... and then the story moves on. I guess that it's always like that - both sides look for something different in the relationship!!!!!!!!!After all the attraction and butterflies, it really comes down to simple thing: it takes something more than love. For some people, especially for those who don't analyze too much,
it could be quite simple - you give as much as you can, without thinking, without questioning, you just give yourself away because you believe that this particular person is the one. I've never experienced such thing in my life, I guess the reason is that I am doing everything quite the opposite. I always want more than there is, I want something that I am not actually sure it exists...you know something deeeeeeeep,something strange that would lead me to thinking,wanting and feeling.
There is a visitor in the house tonight, a beautiful guy that I realllllllly liked. So simple, in his own world he sees this planet as something beautiful, he probably never met a person he didn't like,he sees it all....so wonderful! That is one of the things that I liked about him a lot and that I still do...I see him as a small scared boy with such a pure feelings...never met a person like him...honestly never and I am grateful for having a chance to really get to know him,his soul,his fears,his views....his life. I can't say that I love him, cause you remember I said, I don't know what the love is....I really don't know. Probably the difficulty comes into place when you start thinking too much about it! What is love? For somebody it could be just a smile, a hand touch, a poem that reminds, a feeling that appears from time to time...or simply something different and stronger that could not easily be defined.
I think that I learned a lot till now. I thought I was a selfish bitch who just couldn't care and love, but I proved myself wrong. I love being with somebody, mostly in the bed just talking and chilling, maybe because it is a safest place to be - the bed, silence, no people...just 2 souls. So, I am capable of loving and giving and I really think that it's very important. You have to leave a trace, you need to love somebody and care,not just for your own sake of being a good person but for a sake of fighting against the loneliness. Sometimes I just don't like being loved or being told so. I get really depressed and pressurized and I just feel like screaming and saying LET ME BEEEEEEEEE,i WANNA BE ALONE,I AM USED TO IT,THAT IS WHO I AM AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE! But, everybody needs somebody,that's the whole truth.
Since the things didn't really work out between the two of us.... something strange happened, i got trapped in this ugly moment of having only bad memories of him... I don't know why. Maybe I wanted to forget him very fast, just to exclude all the moments of laughter and love...so I can just move on...and that is what scares me....I move on so easily,I deal with people in my own way but not the good way!!!!!!definately not the good way! If somebody hurts me I basically need 3 seconds to delete the memory and feelings, take a deep breathe and movee on!Isn't that scary?Maybe one day there will be somebody that I really need to give a chance to?I got really scared tonight after he told me that I am so strong in that sense and I know it. So, as usual, I got back to my past, for a little bit and tried to relate it to my family. After my parents divorced, I was pissed I remember seeing all kinds of shit. My mom, a beautiful 50-year old women, so strong in her appearance,so beautiful....my best friend and on the other side my dad - a cold strange man with whom I never established a normal mean of communication. I was actually happy after they divorced because it was not a healthy marriage, it was contagious. They had a drinking habits, not being violent EVER, just instead of talking and saying what was on their minds, they would turn to bottle.I remember since my childhood that my dad was drinking! And nobody had to tell me that it's an alcohol,it's bad, I just knew it. Also, once, after a long day at work my mom came home and she was drunk.... I remember talking to my sister...she said something like: Maybe she is on drugs....hahhahaha but I knew it, unfortunately from an early childhood I knew it.
But, apart from all those ugliness, the home where I lived was a happy place to be! It was always so clean, everything freshly cooked, we had Sunday's lunches all the time, my dad was cracking jokes, it was nice. I have a beautiful sister that is pregnant now, the person to whom I turn to for many life-based advises. She has a very strong character, she always did and I think that she planned on developing herself as much as possible,from an early age so she can sit at home today and be a happy married woman. He is a nice guy, funny hard-working,made her happy and sad from time to time, but more important than all,they are happy now!!!!
My brother,the youngest in the family after me is probably one of the best people I know! And I am wondering how in the world did he become what he is today? The purest soul for sure, looking for a justice in all, fighting with his overweight sometimes, but above all being there for all of us when he needed us to. And that is very sweet,the feeling I have now... I started crying already! But it is always like that when I see him,because I know him, I know how he feels, I know what he thinks and I know that he is one of the best persons in my surrounding.
I AM HAPPY! I have a better relationship with my brother than with my sis and I would like to know why?When did it happen that I became closer to my brother? And what is confusing me is the relationship that I am having with my sister. Don't get me wrong, she is great and when I see how many great people love her, it only proves to me that she is an angel. I just think that she uses this cold attitude from time to time, just as a mean of protecting herself like all of us do.
After the divorce, my sister continued moving on and becoming even more successful in her career. Sometimes it's funny for me when I see her behaving and looking like a 20-years old girl that she is actually very successful and a well-respected business person, no matter how funny it sounds but it's true. So, she just decided to work on herself, move on and somehow separate from us - become INDEPENDENT, I think that that was the word I was looking for. She would always find a mistake in everything, but not with a bad intentions, just by trying to help, which sometimes pisses me off. I told her that I am planning on doing masters in Bocconi and she was not very happy about it, she was like: Why do you need it,bla bla.... But of course, If you don;t tell to a person what you find offensive or see as an obstacle in your communication, the problem will not disappear out of a bloom.
Anyway, even though i hate confessing it, I think a lot about my family, I think of my dad (cause we only talk about exams and money related issues), as a lonely person, sitting in his 1 million euros house ALONE! it was his own decision to erase my mom from his life,but still....it's the life that they had for so many years together, even though it was shitty, but it was theirs....! And it's not like they are happy now, both of them have problems and both of them are lonely and I don't want them together again but talking would mean a lot...A therapy... I really think it can help, it leads you to some conclusions! In our dark souls, there are so many things to discover, learn and change. No matter how popular it is today to have your own therapist - fuck it, if you really can't deal with your own problems, or you are unhappy then find one!Don't waste your time by sitting and thinking how desperate your life is, it can be better, EVERYONE CAN BE BETTER IF THEY WOULD TRY, we don't have much time to give to stupid illusions and questions, the change should start now!Each in its own way!Shower and bed. And good night!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INgXzChwipY
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